Notes on a Dell

a friend once said

it looked like i was

about to 'POP'.

to explode?

to sit on the edge

of my seat, unable

to take the bullshit that's being said to me one second longer?

it feels like i can control myself

most days.

but tonight,

it truly feels like i'm about to

'POP'.

that i don't care

to contain

everything inside.

so, i numb myself,

i hold myself,

i let myself out through various other

meaningless

ways.

i'm not lucky enough

to have the surroundings to 'POP' as i need to.

so i push everything down.

below my belly,

and i lock it w/furrowed brows.

and my dreams take care of the rest;

they will carry me out,

further than i need to go.

because tonight, i can't consciously 'Leap Out'

onto another unknown.

52 - Your Smell

While others close their eyes
And try to remember to see,
I close my eyes
And try to remember to smell.
I imagine my face
Adjacent to yours,
Cheeks brushing,
Making contact
With the wisps of your hair.
I breath in deep,
Pretending to remember
Your smell,
As if it were as common as apple pie.
I fill my lungs with the warm air,
It comforts me,
And it is as if I am there.
Sweet and bitter,
Like rye bread,
Emitting from your rough skin,
Earthly like mud
And sour from years of self-destruction.
I inhale deeply to pretend
That you are near enough to breathe in,
To pretend that I can remember.

51- On The Toilet

baby
baby please don't cry
your river
its more than a sigh
this skin, that i peal
it's more than an ocd
i just hope you can see
hope you can can see
everyday that i try
is
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
more than a sigh

50 - Celestial Anti-love Song

You are like the earth,
And I am like the moon.

For years, you have revolved,
Growing more graceful
And full of life
Than any of those around you.
Your difference is not a curse,
But a blessing,
Igniting life.
Countless meteors have crossed paths
With you in the past,
But you heal so wonderfully.
Gushing waters, wind, the sun,
Rush to cleanse you,
Stitch you back up,
Leaving you as good as new,
A garden bloom still more bright.

I, on the other hand,
Neglected, and almost nothing
In comparison.
I lie cold and pockmarked
By past bullets,
Visible to the naked eye.
Too lacking in life,
Except perhaps only to enhance yours,
To sustain my own.
I gaze onto you,
As if eternally.
Not heeding any others,
I revolve around your magnificence.
I am always there,
But you only notice me on lonely nights,
And like the phases,
I come and go out of your mind
In cycles.

So, while you complain
That your emotions are too great,
You loudly, almost proudly,
Say they are either
White or blue,
I will stay silent and gray,
Inching slowly away,
Waiting for the fog to disparate,
So that I can get a glance from you,
For it's only in that way
That I might hope for
Your light of white.

You are the earth,
And I am the moon,
Pulling my way slowly
Out of reach,
But not fast enough
For this lifetime.

49 - Between My Eyeball and Eyelid

In the space between my eyeball and eyelid,
The vast dark space feels infinite,
Like resounding pounding waves of ocean deep,
Where small bright lights flicker,
On, off, glowing, streaming lights, slowly drifting apart.
It is in this space that everything is expansive,
(surely only a great God could have created it)
And I so trivial.
With this perspective into the great nothingness,
(where aliens seem more likely than unseen entities)
I'm so small,
In the space,
Between my eyeball and eyelid.

48 - Believing Is Like Breathing

I hope my internal screaming
Gives you an eternal headache,
That the lump in my throat,
Will choke you to death.

47 - Windshield Wipers

The windshield wipers are on,
On a clear night,
But it's so cool inside,
That it's foggin' it up.

She says she only blew up your mind
To slow it up,
And as she drives by your house tonight,
She'll do it twice,
Just to mess you up.
"Baby, you ate me up",
She'll sing with another wipe.

They say keep your enemies closest,
What they don't say is,
It's easy,
Cos you're like them the mostest.
Tonight, she'll drive to her sister's ex-friend's,
Shell say it's alright,
Cos he's just a friend of a friend,
She'll even make friends,
With his not girlfriend,
Pretend she can't relate,
To the story she tells,
About that hoe with the cats,
(I saw scars on her arms)
That tried to take her boyfriend.
She's only mad cos that hoe
Made him an ex till the end.

These people are trash,
She'll think while smoking their stash,
They'll talk shit about you,
No matter how many beer cans you toast,
And she can't love them,
So she easily thinks they're the worst.

As she drives back tonight,
Twice by your house,
She'll look and remember,
At the trees in the dark,
And the stars from the park,
And think, what's the point,
Everything feels like an end to the start.